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Number 1: CONGRATULATIONS!
But there are a number of things therapists say that can actually shut down communications and make it almost impossible to help clients. In this post, I'm talking about when a therapist reacts immediately to whatever it is that’s said to them. I’m not talking about reacting to a friend’s pronouncements. That’s distinctively different. Today I’m talking about the damage that reacting too quickly in a psychotherapy session can do, and why it’s imperative to avoid it.
If you've ever been in therapy before you may know just what I’m talking about.
“I’m pregnant.”
Congratulations!
“My son is getting married.”
How exciting!
"I finally got approval from insurance to have this mole on my arm removed.”
Fantastic!
I’ve had the privilege of working with counselors – in -training for years. And in that time I can’t count how often I’ve cringed when a trainee told me they congratulated a client on some activity or event.
Sometimes it’s entirely appropriate.
But far too often it's a minefield where the therapist forgot to tread with caution and things exploded, whether the therapist knows it yet or not.
Above are examples of real-life situations where a therapist’s enthusiastic response resulted in unintended consequences. These might not seem cringe-worthy at first glance, but in each case the therapist’s response was totally off-base. When this happens, it’s often difficult for the client to trust and relate to the therapist ever again.
What makes “congratulations” such a misstep?
"I'm pregnant." In the ideal world, the pronouncement of a birth to come is a happy occasion. An infant was conceived by a loving couple dedicated to the child-to-be’s health and welfare.
"My son's getting married." Again in the ideal world, a child getting married is a sign of maturity and the cycle of life continuing.
"Insurance finally agreed to cover removing this mole." Not having to pay to have an unsightly growth removed should be cause for celebration, right?
But suppose things are not as we expect them to be? Suppose the pregnancy announcement is followed by “the abortion is scheduled for tomorrow” or “I was raped and this is my attacker’s child?”
Suppose the response to getting married is followed by “I hate the girl,” or that the mole announcement is followed by “it’s cancerous now and has spread to my brain”?
What can you say to that? There aren’t any take backs. You made an assumption and reacted based on the ideal situation and your assumption was completely wrong.
Clients react in different ways to a mistake like this.
Some will take the therapist’s error in stride, correct them, and go on.
Others may nod that they’ve received the message, and then shut down. That mistake may make it impossible for them to feel they can confide in the therapist because they were so totally misunderstood.
Still others may want to please the therapist and pretend the congratulations were appreciated, but then work to keep the therapist happy instead of working on themselves and their own problems.
And I’m sure there are other potential patient responses that I haven’t covered. Regardless, responding before thinking can stop or even prevent the client from working with the therapist.
Listen first, react later, or: How do you feel about that?
When you jump to “congratulations!” you’re telling the patient how they should feel, not letting them tell you they do feel.
It’s better to show interest and ask questions than to leap to a conclusion that may turn out to be horribly wrong.
It’s a cliché, but there’s a reason that therapists often sound alike. I don’t usually have a knee jerk response to what a client tells me. But it’s true that I have “how does that make you feel?” or “how do you feel about that?” on my lips, ready to pop out at a moment’s notice.
This way I’m less likely to give an automatic, and off base, pronouncement.
“How are you feeling about that?” may be cliché, but it’s also safe. It keeps the door open to your being able to help a client instead of slamming it shut: “How are you feeling about that?” gives the client space to explain what they are experiencing in response to an event or occasion rather than telling them how you think they should feel.
I emphasize to my trainees that this is one response they should practice.
“I’m pregnant."
"How are you feeling about being pregnant?" The client says “thrilled” and you beam at them with "Congratulations!"
Or the client says “I can’t afford it, I’m having the pregnancy terminated.” At which point you ask, not flinching, not frowning, “How are you feeling about the decision?”
If the response is “conflicted” a door has been opened to help the client develop a plan to deal with emotional, financial and social results of her decision.
“I’m moving back in with my parents.”
How do you feel about that?
“ I hate my father, but somebody has to defend my mother,” in which case you can pursue what the patient believes this scenario will mean in the short and long term, or how he deals with the hatred.
Your curiosity opens a door for deeper conversation.
I need to point out that “how does that make you feel” is not the same as giving the client possibilities to choose from, for example: “Does this make you angry? Does this make you sad? Does this feel good to you?"
With the latter questions you’re giving the client a list of what you think are possible responses, instead of letting them decide how they want to express themselves.
Why Neutral is Powerful
Instead of immediately giving a response to what the client says, a great fallback is to simply reflect the client’s statement neutrally. You’re acknowledging their news without rushing to label it as good or bad. It could go something like this:
Client: “I’m getting married.”
You: “You’re getting married…” with a tone of voice that invites further information from the client.
This allows the client to follow up with how they’re feeling about the marriage. Are they over-the-moon excited? Nervous? Both? By staying neutral, you leave space for them to say more. Plus, you’re showing the client that you're here to listen, not to lead the emotional direction of the conversation.
Ask something like, “What does getting married mean to you?” or “What comes to mind when you think about it?” These questions let the client know that whatever they’re feeling—whether it’s joy, fear, anxiety, other or all of the above —is completely valid. It keeps the conversation open, rather than closed.
Conclusion: The Art of Pausing
When a client shares big news, pause before reacting. The instinct to respond with 'congratulations' is natural but must be avoided. Taking a moment to ask how they feel invites the client to explore their own emotions. By avoiding assumptions and leading with curiosity, you’ll help your client feel truly seen and understood, no matter what life event they’re navigating.
When it comes to reacting to big life events in therapy, the key is to pause, listen, and reflect.
Resist the urge to congratulate, console, or cheer lead right away—because we can't know what it means to the client unless we ask.
Your role isn’t to write the emotional script for your client but to help them discover it for themselves.
So, next time a client hits you with big news, remember: put down the confetti, ask a curious question, and let them take the lead. You'll be amazed at how much more you’ll learn about their inner world, and how much more connected they’ll feel to you.
And hey, if they are thrilled and overjoyed, you’ll still have time to celebrate with them—on their terms.
A reminder before I go…
Congratulations! This is one place where new, and even seasoned, therapists can damage the therapeutic relationship. To avoid this misstep:
Listen first, react later.
Ask how the client feels before assuming or, worse yet, telling them, how they feel.
Use open-ended questions to leave space for their emotions
And I said at the beginning there were at least seven words and phrases that therapists shouldn't say. Here is Number 2: "Everything will be fine... "
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